6 Simple Ways to Help Your Child Embrace Failure

It’s natural to want to protect our children from failure and all the heartbreak and frustration it brings, but we want to show you how to help your kids embrace failure when it surfaces and view it as a valuable tool for growth.

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Failure is not only uncomfortable, but it’s also inevitable. But many parents see it as their job to prevent their children’s mistakes and disappointments.

Unfortunately, shielding our kids from the pain of failure and disappointment is not possible. And attempting to do so actually robs them of the many opportunities and benefits that failure provides. 

Not learning to tolerate failure leaves kids vulnerable to anxiety. It leads to meltdowns when the inevitable failure does occur, whether it happens in preschool or college. And perhaps even more important, it can make kids give up trying–or trying new things.

Beth Arky, Child Mind Institute

Children who learn to fail, and cope with the experience, are more resilient, confident and willing to take healthy risks. They recognize that struggle and failure are actually stages of the learning process, and not a reason to quit.

Here are 6 simple and effective ways to help your child embrace–and even grow–from failure:

How to Help Your Child Embrace Failure

1. Show empathy

It’s natural for kids to feel disappointment or frustration in the face of failure. Before we can help children embrace this experience, we must first show them empathy.

Acknowledge that your child is having tough feelings. You might say, “I see you are upset. I know you wanted this to go a different way” or “I know this is really hard.”

In these moments, consider the benefits of: 

• Giving them your full attention.
• Setting aside your own reaction or judgments.
• Asking open-ended questions (“What about this was hard for you?” or “What would you have liked to have happened?”).
• Refraining from trying to “fix it” or suggesting they “move on” too quickly.

At times, it’s tricky to manage your own reaction to your child’s emotions. When this happens, model taking a break or walking away. It’s fine, and even healthy to take a “time out” to collect your thoughts.

Empathy validates your child’s emotions and lets them know their feelings make sense and matter to you. This connection is key for learning and growing from the experience.

2. Encourage persistence

Persistence is the quality that allows children to keep going and not give up. While perseverance is likely an inherited trait, there are many ways to help your child develop this skill.

Model persistence during challenging experiences, and point out that you are not giving up. Comments like, “The first way I tried it didn’t work. Now I’m going to find another way” or “I have to keep practicing to understand this better” show kids how to face failure.

Be sure your child understands the connection between effort and positive outcomes–accomplishment comes from practice and hard work. Anyone who has become an expert in their field typically did so through years and years of effort. 

Talk about the countless “famous failures” who eventually succeeded, including Albert Einstein, Bill Gates and author J.K. Rowling. Prompt your child to research a famous failure who interests them, and report back to you about their many attempts at success.

3. Be solution-focused

One of the best things about failure is how it spurs us to find better solutions. The process of “failing forward” or learning from setbacks, is how we succeed.

When your child encounters failure, point out the opportunity it is. Discuss the choices and actions that led to this moment, and how those consequences could be prevented in the future. 

Brainstorm questions like, “What do you think went wrong?” or “How could you avoid this next time?” If they aren’t sure, explore how you might try to fix the problem with an air of curiosity and openness. 

A wide variety of children’s books on problem-solving can help spark these discussions. Read stories like What Do You Do With a Problem? by Kobi Yamada or What Should Danny Do? by Ganir and Adir Levy and brainstorm solutions together.

Looking for more children’s books that deal with failure? You can find some of our favorites in our Comforting Books for Kids list.

4. Combat negative self-talk

As parents, it’s hard hearing negative comments about our kids. Especially when they’re the ones making them. 

When children face failure, it’s common for them to engage in negative self-talk. Comments like “I’m dumb” or “I can’t do it” are clear signs of frustration and disappointment in themselves.

The next time your child makes this type of comment, help them recognize it as negative thinking. You might say, “I hear that you’re frustrated. There are thoughts in your mind that are making you feel this way.”

Tell your child there are two ways we can think about ourselves–positive or negative. When we talk to ourselves in a negative way, we tend to feel even worse and might even want to give up. But there is a better option.

Then, get working on a rewrite of that negative script in their heads. Asking, “What’s another way we could look at this?” or “What would a friend tell you about this failure?” are useful places to start. Phrases like, “I’m doing my best” or “It’s okay to make mistakes” are excellent replacements.

5. Allow them to try and explore new things

By avoiding the unfamiliar, children might think they can avoid making mistakes. But they’ll also miss out on the joy and confidence that comes with learning something new.

If your child is afraid of attempting something new, remind them of the many “firsts” they’ve already experienced. Starting as a baby with their first steps and bites of food, and later with their first sleepover or bike ride–they’ve likely been much braver than they realized.

Parenting author Paul Smith suggests asking these 5 key questions:

• Can you recall two or three things you tried but gave up on soon after? What were they? Is it too late to try again?
• Name something you’d like to do now but have been afraid to try. How can I help you with that?
• How long do you think it takes for people to get really good at something new, like learning to play the guitar or throw a baseball or write poetry?
• Can you think of something some people are just naturally good at without having to learn and practice?
• Let’s have this conversation again next month to see what’s changed and what you’re interested in then, okay?

Finally, encourage your child to journal about their new experiences as a way to reflect on their bravery and stay motivated to continue taking healthy risks.

6. Acknowledge your mistakes

One of the best ways to help our child embrace failure is to point out our own struggles and mistakes. When children know failure is normal (and often unavoidable), it’s much easier to accept.

Mistakes happen every day–a spilled drink, the wrong turn, a forgotten appointment. As parents, how do we react when we make them? Do we treat ourselves with compassion and patience, or engage in the negative self-talk we want our children to avoid.

We can’t send the message that failure is okay if we deny or become angry when it happens. Instead, be honest with yourself and your child. Talk about what happened, and how you plan to move on and learn from it.

Bigger mistakes, like losing your temper with your child, provide even more of an opportunity for learning. Apologize, and talk about how you are choosing to have compassion for yourself even though you fell short of your goal. In doing so, you show that our moments of failure do not define us.